Hell on Earth, or They Say
by Shipping-til-it's-Canon
Summary: "I didn't kill her, I was framed! I would never kill one of my pupils or anyone else for the matter; I'm not that type of person! I'm a bloody Language Arts school teacher; I shouldn't even be here right now. I should've been home about now looking after my nephew."


_**I wrote this for my best friend who never ceases to inspire me. Thank you for so much for everything you have done for me, without you I probably wouldn't be able to be writing in the first place.**_

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters; they all belong to the wonderful Tolkien. However, the plot of this story does in fact belong to me.**

How did he end up in a situation like this? The cold handcuffs were digging mercilessly into his wrists as the packed prison bus quickly zoomed down the highway. Before this he had a respectable job at Shire University that helped pay for the many bills and taxes that were required, plus Frodo's student loans; he had enough money to finally retire, to follow his dream of becoming an author when everything went to hell.

He still remembers seeing the young girl's corpse on the floor on his classroom shriveled, burnt to crisp. He remembers his unsteady voice as he called the police, the way he stood there and stared at the corpse until the cops came and took him away to a police car and shoved him in. However, he doesn't remember how it ended him in here, the last couple weeks was a mere blur, but now he was here in this bus being sent to prison for something he didn't do. No one ever believed him, the court, the cops, not even the goddamn press who soaked in any information they were given like bloody sponges.

He hated the press with a passion that burns as strongly as a dragon's lust for gold (if they were real); they would tell stories that were complete and utter stupidity full of holes yet people still believed the crap they shoveled out about politics and 'possible war'. They actually wrote a front page article called _'Hell on Earth'_ about Mirkwood, the prison he was being shipped off to; about the terrible men who resided there: murders, thieves, rapists, terrorists, and other 'bad' men.

The most famous criminals were the notorious Thorin Oakinshield who lead a fierce gang called the Company who did 'anything to get what they want which includes fraud, stealing, murdering, rape,' and so on. Even though Thorin Oakinshield was a criminal with a long sentence in prison, he couldn't stop himself for finding the man oddly attractive. He would stared at his picture taking in his gorgeous blue eyes that looked as though they were staring into your very soul, his short beard, and long black wavy hair with small streaks of silver-white... _'No. Stop It.'_

He squeaked when the long blonde-hair man seated next to him jabbed his fingers in his side; the blonde looked amused at his sudden high-pitched response.

"First time," The blonde inquired, a broad grin widening slowly on his face.

"How did you know…?"

"Lucky guess," answered a brunette behind him.

"The name's Fili Durinson, at your service; behind you is my younger brother Kili Durinson."

"And who might you be Mister?" Kili chimed in happily.

"My name is Bilbo Baggins."

Both men immediately lost their smiles which were replaced by looks of utter shock and amazement. _'I wonder if I should be worried about their reaction.'_

"You're the bloke who killed the poor girl from that Shire University place! You were all over the news!" Kili exclaimed eagerly. Fili gazed at him a bit wearily for while but suddenly started laughing for no explained reason, soon Fili joined in until one of the guards yelled to shut the hell up. Bilbo sighed and ran his finger through his hair.

"I didn't kill her, I was framed! I would never kill one of my pupils or anyone else for the matter; I'm not that type of person! I'm just a bloody Language Arts school teacher; I shouldn't even be here right now. I should've been home about now looking after my nephew." Bilbo was tired of everyone and anything, none of this was fair! Fili and Kili stared at Bilbo, taken aback by his abrupt outburst; Fili patted him on the shoulder and smiled widely.

"Hey calm down, it's alright. My brother and I have some information you need to know before you enter Mirkwood. If you follow these rules you'll be okay and your sentence will be over like that!" Kili snapped his finger to put an emphases on his brother statement which almost made Bilbo smile, almost. Bilbo thought of the 39 years of prison ahead of him, Bilbo would probably not make it to one year without a good book to read or seeing the smiling face of his adorable nephew. However Bilbo had hope buried deep within his soul, maybe, just maybe he will make it out of that place alive; he hoped they would find the real guy who killed the poor girl and set him free.

"Rule Numero Uno; don't piss off the guards here," Kili continued with a grimace.

"If you anger one of those guys you're toast. They have no problem with throwing you into solitary confinement for very long periods of time. Kili found that one out when he tried to hit on the ginger-haired female guard that was making rounds in his block. He got solitary confinement for one and a half months; because he's such a child they gave him chalk to color on the floors so he wouldn't die of boredom." Fili stared to snigger until he was slapped upside the head by Kili; Bilbo couldn't contain his smile since the boys reminded him so much of his students.

"Rule Number Two!" Kili said glaring at Fili who was still laughing at him.

"Be careful around gangs. There are currently five major gangs you need to look out for at Mirkwood," Fili explained, "There are the Orcs who you want nothing to do with, the Shireston who are also know as Hobs since their leader's walks really weird it's like a hobble but it isn't, the Supreme Elite who we prefer to call 'Stupid Treeshaggers' since they really are total assholes, Humas who are a group of idiots who clan together to try to break out every year on the same day, and last but not the least the Company which is a group of really major criminals who band together to protect each other." Fili had counted each gang on his left hand, to Bilbo the gangs names were really weird not to mention almost like a child who watched a lot of superhero movies had picked them out. Plus the part about the 'Supreme Elite' being Treeshaggers sort of freaked him out, because seriously… Who in their right mind would want to do it with a bloody tree? It would be just too painful to do let alone watch…

"They don't really shag trees you know." Kili chimed in when seeing that Bilbo was uncomfortable with the current topic.

"Nevertheless I did hear this story about some guy named Eldon, or was it Elrond, anyways someone told me he and an old willow…" Fili slapped in the face Kili leaving a red mark on his cheek.

"So are there people I have to avoid?" Bilbo said quickly to change the subject before it escalated into something worse. Fili was about to say something probably about shagging trees however Kili immediately cut him off trying to get rid of the awkward atmosphere that now surrounded them.

"There are plenty of people you should avoid at Mirkwood, but I suggest you stay away from the main 'Kings' who are the main leaders of the five main gangs. Azog the Defiler he got his name by being very successful at molesting teens, Sméagol who is the hobbling guy my brother mentioned earlier, Legolas who used to be a guard at Mirkwood but was sent to prison after being caught with bribe money from prisoners plus his daddy runs the place so he gets "special privileges", Bard who's the leader of the Humas because he was literally forced at knife-point to join, and finally the Big Boss the majestic Thorin Oakenshield."

'_Thorin… I remember. He was a major crime lord who escaped form many other prison more than once. He's going to be at Mirkwood since no other prison could keep him contained …' _Bilbo thought. Things were getting worse by the minute; God just might as well smite him where he sits.

"Is there anything else I need to know?" Bilbo asked glancing at the two boys beside and behind him.

"Since we already covered rule number four, the last thing you need to do is _be careful_. This is not like the prisons you see on T.V. they are much, much worse in the real world. First thing you do when you get there, when you have free time buy a chastity belt." Fili was looking Bilbo straight into his eyes; he could hear the discomfort in his voice and see it in his body language. Kili had stiffened and stared out the window as if he was trying to block out their conversation.

"Even most of the men there where them, hell, we even wear them. This prison has a lot of murders, but it has more rape cases then any other prison in the world. Trust me when I say this, there are many different creeps at Mirkwood who are looking for 'pets' and they usually find them among the newcomers. Plus, your baby face and shy demeanor doesn't help you much, it will make you an immediate target with the Bosses. In the end if a gang corners you and threatens you, give up, you may lose your virginity but you may just be able to get away with your life."

"Give up?!" Bilbo squeaked, "Wouldn't the guards stop them…"

"No." Kili growled, "They don't care about us as long as we don't bother them." Fili looked at Bilbo for a second then reached over his seat to ruffle Kili's, the small brunette calmed down a bit but still looked out the window.

"Don't worry about my little brother; this is just a really sensitive topic for the both of us." Fili sad smiling at his brother who completely ignored him; Bilbo wanted to ask about what happened but was cut off when the buss came to an abrupt halt throwing Bilbo forward into the seat in front of him. Bilbo winced and rubbed his head peering ahead of him where the guards stood watching like predators waiting to strike at any moment.

Bilbo locked eyes with one particular guard with short curly black hair smirking at him, he felt uneasy. His heart beat quickened and everything else faded away until it was just him and the guard, it felt as though time had halted and everything thought in Bilbo's mind had scattered like dust in the wind. The man refused to break eye contact, he stared Bilbo down as though he marked him as prey, his smile widened to reveal pearly white teeth that looked as though they were sharpened into small daggers. His eyes weren't normal either, they were red and the pupils were shaped like almonds instead of the normal circular shape. The man opened his mouth then snapped it closed; he winked at Bilbo then turned away heading up to the very front of the bus. Bilbo flinched when a hand was placed lightly on his shoulder making him aware of his surroundings once again. Bilbo rubbed his eyes and peered around the bus, the guard was no where to be seen.

"You alright Mister," Fili asked trying to see what Bilbo was looking for.

"It was nothing," Bilbo stammered composing himself, "There is no need to worry I am completely fine. I just happen to be a little nervous, you know. I am going to prison after all." Bilbo decided to forget the man, maybe it was just a silly hallucination, but he couldn't escape the feeling of unease that now resided in his heart. He glanced out the window to see they were currently sitting at the gate of Mirkwood, Bilbo gasped. The place was freaking huge; he could even begin to take in how big the place is! The bus started up again and continued inside through the 20 foot high fence. For what seemed like hours the bus continued driving, passing many building complexes but never slowing down at any of them until Bilbo saw the biggest building in the prison. The bus shuddered to a halt in front of the building when a guard stood up and banged on a chair with his baton to get the prisoners attention.

"Good afternoon gentlemen," the guard spat, "I have been given the job of being your baby sitter for the remainder of this day until you are sorted into the facilities specified to your needs. You will listen and do what I say unless you want to go to solitary confinement on your first day here. You will now be escorted to our main building where you will be assessed, given your supplies, then be shipped of to lunch with the other inmates depending on which facility you will be sent to, to live the rest of your pitiful lives or however long your sentencing is. I must warn you this place isn't like most prisons, we don't follow normal rules around here so be careful unless you want to end up dead. Not that I care if any of you creeps die, it's just too much paperwork to deal with. Now that's said, I have one last thing to say to you all. Welcome to Mirkwood you unlucky sons of ! #$%*."


End file.
